Episode 1 - Be your own life's protagonist!
Watch the youtube-video to read along, listen to the episode on soundcloud or spotify or just read it here as text!
When I came to Vienna at the sweet age of 19 years, I was a real wallflower. I was super sensitive, had very thin emotional skin and wanted to please and be liked by everyone. In my body, I felt very uncomfortable: Even though I was interested in make-up and fashion, I never felt beautiful enough to apply that to myself. And apart from all that, I had no clue where to go with my life. Even back then, at the bottom of my heart, I was a true creative soul and craving the spotlight. I was overflowing with unrealized ideas, fantasies and dreams – but I didn’t have the courage to do anything about it. If you’d have told me back then, that over ten years down the road, I spend my nights on stage, celebrate my body and decorate it as I please (including a few kilos more) – and that I can book first success on a career path I absolutely fell in love with – summoned up, if you’d have told me, that I have managed to take my life into my own hands like that – I would have asked you where the fuck I had sold my soul.
What has happened in these ten years? Where have I found the courage to just fuck everything that wasn’t the authentic me? That’s the big question, that I want to work on with you in this podcast. Maybe there will be a few of you who will get inspired – I would be very happy about that!
Chaotic Eleganza - Letting go of perfection
Before we get to our topic of the day, let’s delve into what is Chaotic Eleganza supposed to be? Chaotic Eleganza means, that we stop holding on to perfection – because perfection can really block us. When we start and try something new, it is mostly chaotic, and the outcome is not the best quality. That can be scary. But why is it scary? In our society, don’t we often feel the pressure to think things through really well before doing them? „What do you wanna be one day?“ „Hmm, you should think that through really well!“ – Ideally, you know at the age of 12 what you want to be for the rest of your life. Trying out stuff is bad. To drop out of University is to fail. „That wasn’t for me“ becomes „I couldn’t do it.“ or „I was too dumb for that.“. But that’s bullshit. I have the right to try out things. I have the right to say when something isn’t for me. Combine this attitude with a sentence that is meant to be motivating, but personally makes me cringe so hard my toenails roll up to my ankles: „You can do it if you really want.“. This sentence is not essentially wrong, but many people who say this actually mean „You can ONLY do it if you really want!“ – The phrase turns from a motivation into a metaphorical bouncer. You only get in if you really want. I don’t know how you feel, but that makes me feel like I am not allowed to try something out. I am ashamed of not knowing, if I want something. I feel pushed towards making up a fake idea of something instead of getting the real picture. Every idea we have of a thing, be it job or hobby, is pure speculation, until we take a look behind the curtain. „You can do it if you really want!“ – why is that the condition? Why do I have to know what I want before I have an accurate picture of something? Why buy the cat in the bag? The poor thing doesn’t like it in there and will scratch my eyes out once I open the bag. Let’s be morbid for a second and compare the fear of not being perfect with the fear of eventually having to die. It’s not an irrational fear, and it definitely fulfills a purpose. But none of us are perfect and none of us live forever. Therefore, we have to learn to live with this fear. If it takes over too much of our thoughts and time, it hinders us from living.
To do -lists for all eternity
That can look like this with the fear of imperfection: Do you also have those to do -lists in the back of your head? They are full of things you’d love to do but don’t feel ready or good enough for. The titles of those lists sound something like this: „Once I’ve lost this extra weight, …“ „Once I have time, …“ „Once I’m good enough, …“ – We want to be perfect before we even start something. And because that is simply not possible, we never start it. And eventually, the title of the list will say „If I was younger, …“ I have changed the title of my own list a few years ago. It now says „When I want to“. I have decided, eventually, not to wait for the perfect conditions and just to do things. That can be very chaotic and scary – but so far, it was worth the chaos and the fear.
Exactly with this attitude, I have started performing burlesque in 2019. And I’m not at all perfect at it. Most of my costumes are put together with hot glue instead of being properly sewed. I’m a terrible choreographer and improvise my stuff most of the time. But what I can do fulfills its purpose and brings me and others joy – That is why since my first act, I got to be part of many amazing events and projects. And thanks to learning by doing, by now not all is hot glue anymore. I will never forget the feeling of my first solo act: I was so happy to share my cool idea with the audience, that I didn’t feel nervous at all anymore, but instead full of energy. Everything tingled inside me, and it was one of the best moments of my life. This step onto the stage to me is symbolic for a big change: The step onto that small event stage was my step onto the stage of life. My undressing was the courage to show, who I am. I had started to claim the main role in my own life.
First solo-act in september 2019 (foto taken by a good friend)
We do not have a life - We are life.
What do I mean, when I tell you to be the protagonist in your own life? It might sound egoistical at first, or like I would need everything in my life to be according to a script I made and would go crazy when not everything goes to said script. But that’s narcissism, and definitely not, what I mean. Claiming the main role in your life simply means to actively interact with what life gives you. Not standing in the sidelines and watching the balls roll by, but actively deciding what you want and how you deal with things. This isn’t only an important step for your own good, but also for altruistic actions. When there is no courage to get active, there is also no courage to step in to help somebody. Becoming active also means taking part. You can do everything actively, even watching or listening, or collecting impressions. A main character doesn’t talk all the time, they also take in impressions of their surroundings. And what main character knows the script? An actor knows the script, and we don’t wanna be that. We are the main character. We are the script. And main characters have faults. They have imperfections, they have problems and challenges they grow from. Most of all, they have the potential to grow. Being the main character also means that you get to know yourself. That you connect with the life within yourself. Why do I feel what I feel, and how can it help me? You start to give yourself the compassion you would also give a main character in a book you’re reading. Life is not what happens to us. We happen. We are life. We do not have life. We are life.
There will always be things that hold us back. Hurdles. And yes, some of them we won’t be able to overcome. And yes, some people definitely have it harder than others. That is, where we can actively help each other or actively ask for help. Most of all, there’s one thing we must do: Think pragmatically. What can I do to make the best out of this situation, where is my loophole? What are my privileges? Which hurdles can I overcome, how do I overcome them, and can I join forces with my friends? That doesn’t mean you have to always think positive. Negative emotions play an important role and have an important function. Injustice is real and for many people, life is harder than for others. There’s nothing to be put positively about that. It is important to give yourself this compassion and allow yourself to grieve, be angry and complain about injustice. Like everything in life, this is a balancing act between positive thinking and acting, as well as self-compassion and the courage to negative feelings. We have a right to this depth and vulnerability – because we aren’t just here to always function and inspire.
Manic Pixie Strikes Back!
I like thinking of this as a Manic Pixie Dreamgirl act of liberation. Manic Pixie Dream Girls are female characters in fiction, that grab your attention through their especially eccentric and exciting lifestyle and a certain love of adventure. I have always let Manic Pixie Dream Girls in fiction inspire me. The cute, bubbly and cool girls with the often colourful hair stand for living life to the fullest. But the Manic Pixie Dream Girls have a problem: They lack a depth of character, a clear motivation for their actions or any kind of backstory. They are ever the side-character, here to show the main character how to live. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl is an eternal second banana with only one function, who eternally gets denied to telling her own story. That’s actually why my stage name is Pixie Baroque. I am of the opinion, that it is time to claim justice for Manic Pixie Dream People. That is why I again and again make a symbolical step as protagonist onto the stage for all my Manic Pixie Dream People.
Of course, I can’t speak for everyone, not by far. I am aware of how privileged I am. I might be queer, fat, and a woman – but I am also white, cis, able-bodied and grew up in a middle class family. That is why I hope to find guests that can add to my perspective. This is what brings us to my last point. What can you expect from this podcast? I trust, that by now, you understand what I mean by Chaotic Eleganza and being the protagonist in your own life. This is what my main episodes will be about. They will be approximately 15-20min long and available in both German and English in audio and written form. I will also join forces with amazing guests. I’m especially excited over one recurring guest: Viennese burlesque icon Kalinka Kalaschnikow. She is a trained sex-educator and will talk about sexual topics with me. Also, I’ve invited psychologist Karla Göschl Kraemer to talk to me about the narcissist personality disorder. Apart from expert talks, there’s going to be a mini-series called „Heart People“, in which I will talk to people who share the podcast’s attitude. And in the end, and because I love Vienna so much, there will be goodies about my favourite city in the world as well!
Thank you for lending me your eyes and ears, I’m looking forward to presenting you my next exciting episodes!
Tamara Wendtner
Hi, my name is Tamara Wendtner. Many of you know me as Pixie Baroque. Since 2019, this is the stage-name I use when sweep over the Viennese Burlesque-stages like a whirlwind of colours. This step onto the stage has changed my life forever and initiated a chain reaction within me, that finally led me to the following realization: I need to put myself out there.