Episode 2 - Selflove
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Many of us are having a very hard time when it comes to loving ourselves truly and permanently. Why is that, and how can we change it? I’m of the strong opinion, that we do not have to create selflove. All of us already possess an abundance of unconditional selflove. If you prefer the scientific approach, you can think of it as your evolutionary survival instincts. If you’re open to spirituality, you might have other additional associations. Just take what makes the most sense and feels right for you. Isn’t it far more motivating to see selflove as something, that is already there? Of course there’ll be a few of you, who will think to themselves: „Ok that might be true, but I don’t feel any of it.“ – you are not alone with that.
So let's play detective!
Our love to ourselves is here. Our body, our emotions, our thoughts – everything is constantly at work for us to not suffer and be well. But the motive doesn’t always lead to the right results and everything is a bit more complicated in reality than it was in theory. With time, we collect blockages that divert our love or block it off totally. When something hinders us from loving ourselves, we must first identify it. There are many ways to enter this dialogue with yourself. Maybe you already have your very own way. You can try free writing or free drawing – or maybe classic meditation. You can also just talk to a person that is close to you and see what comes up. Something that has helped me very much are affirmations. I’m super uncomfortable with affirmations and they have never really helped me. At least I thought so, until I learned to use this uncomfortable-ness as informant. Take a seat in front of a mirror and start to say the following phrases to yourself:
- „I am beautiful“
- „I am wonderful“
- „I love myself.“
If you are like me in the past, the following is going to happen: Immediately, the mean little voice in the back of your head goes off and vehemently tells you that you are wrong and this is ridiculous. Now listen to what this voice has to say. Because it will give you the reasons why you think you can’t allow yourself to love yourself. This is where we become active. There are many things that cause us to kill off or reject our selflove. When we know what we blame ourselves for, we know how to turn it around.
Dancing inbetween the ways
Let’s start with the obvious: Our looks! Humans are creatures of habit, especially when it comes to looks. The more often we see something, the more it becomes normal for us. Who of you has watched an older movie in the past two years and thought to themselves „Wait, why is this guy not wearing a mask on the bus?“ – It’s amazing, how fast we get used to stuff, isn’t it? Photoshop, models, tv, and so on influence our perception of normalcy. But we don’t want to just quit our favourite shows and sometimes we just wanna kick back and watch some “Sex And The City” without deducing what’s politically correct and what isn’t. And that’s fine. But what can we do to reclaim our sense of normal? Especially in times of the internet, we are more able than ever to choose, which content we consume. There are lots of amazing bodypositive people we can follow. That was one of the things that helped me most. A better picture of normalcy doesn’t only help us in matters of appearance, but also in other things. We are often losing ourselves in unnecessary comparisons or because we think we aren’t at a point in life where we should be. If we follow more people that are honest about their life and body, it can help a lot. Not seeing conventions as a must can help as well. I love to see conventions as playground. I love nothing more than playing with them and testing out my boundaries. Conventions are like a compass – just because a compass is pointing north, that doesn’t mean that we have to go north. It’s just showing us where is where and what our possible ways are. If we want to go in a certain direction, or dance between ways, is left for us to decide. That’s what conventions are. But media isn’t the only thing to influence our sense of normalcy. The people that we meet also make a difference.
Foto source: Nina Mahr photography
Not everyone is good for us
Just really watch how you feel after meeting up with friends. Do you feel inspired, strengthened, motivated, soothed? Or more like drained, tired, demotivated, pulled down? Not every meeting is the same and it is not always that clear, but we are looking for a big picture here. But it’s not always about the other person, either. Totally positive, lovely people can awaken feelings of envy in us. A very negative, mean person can make us feel good about our own self in contrast. I could fill a whole podcast episode solely on that. But for selflove, there’s two important questions we should focus on:
- How do I feel with which people?
- And whom does that feeling really come from?
When you realize, that a person is constantly keeping you small and pulling you down, then it might be better to distance yourself from this person. But maybe there is just a whole lot of envy on your end? Which leads us to the next topic:
Dealing with negative emotions
How do we deal with negative feelings? Negative feelings have the right to be here. Let’s take envy as example. Envy can really show you the way. Let’s say you meet an old friend: Turns out by now, she has a husband, kids and a house. You’re very happy to see her, but at the same time you feel an enormous wave of envy coming up. She has a husband, kids and a beautiful home. You live in a small flat and haven’t even graduated from university. What does the envy we feel tell us? What about this lifestyle do we really want for ourselves? Are we yearning for the idyllic family life? Or is it the yearning for having arrived at a goal and having planned out your life? Or maybe we don’t want any of this and just feel inadequate, because we feel the pressure and expectations of society on our shoulders. Welcome this envy instead of pushing it down in shame. Inspect it. Instead of reacting negatively to said friend, thank her for having given you the possibility of understanding yourself better. Every feeling wants to be felt, or it will come knocking at your door until you listen.
Let’s envision it like this: Let’s assume I, the feeling, have a very important and urgent piece of information I want to give to you. So I first write you a message on Whatsapp. When I see that you haven’t read the message, I might send you a normal text message. I mean, your wifi might be broken? Then I try calling you. When you don’t pick up, I try a couple more times. Then I leave a message on your answering machine. And when nothing happens, still, I have to come over to your house and knock on your door. Because, you see, this information is that important! The more you ignore me, the harder it will become to ignore me. Two little blue checks telling me you got the message would’ve been enough for me to leave you alone. No matter which negative emotion we feel – envy, anger, fear – all emotions want to be heard. Being able to push them away for later is great. But only if you do look at them later. So I have confronted myself with my feelings of envy, what’s next? Now I know a bit more about why I do not like myself. If we push our envy down instead, it will just become one item on our inner list of guilt-feelings that block up our selflove.
The inner guilt-list
Guilt happens relatively easy and fast, when our actions don’t match with our morals. To resolve the guilt, we can try to adjust one of the two: Our actions or our morals. First, we take a look at our morals. Where do they come from, were they ever any different and how did they solidify? Maybe while growing up, we’ve had a parent, who has blamed us for all that went wrong. The guilt that results from that has solidified and we are now, as grownups, searching for a way to neutralize that guilt. Maybe someone else in our surroundings is giving us a warped sense of moral, that isn’t us at all. If you can’t find anything wrong about your morals, maybe your actions need adjusting. To make that easier, you need to keep looking forward. It can really help to apologize to people you might have wronged and get absolution. But sometimes we need time to be ready for that. Sometimes we wanna be a better person when we apologize, so they know we are serious about becoming a better person. An important factor when it comes to guilt is the guilt we feel over something we supposedly did to ourselves. Especially people who have been really hurt by somebody can blame themselves, like:
- „Why did I let them do this to me?“
- „Why didn’t I fight back?“
- „Why didn’t I listen to my instincts?“
Stop. Nobody has the right to hurt you like that. At the time, you have done what you could and thought was right. If you continue to blame yourself for not being able to defend yourself, you weaken yourself instead of becoming stronger. Which will lead to more blaming. It’s a vicious circle. Give yourself the gentleness you want to see in the world. For a clear consciousness, it is important to really listen to yourself. To realize what you want. To try what you feel envious of in others. Once you did this, you become proud of yourself, wake up in the morning excited and ready for the new day.
The selflove-muscle
To sum it up: The more you know yourself, the better you know, what blocks and diverts your selflove – the more you can free those blocks. Like a lot in life, this skill to love yourself is a muscle that wants to be trained and used constantly so it doesn’t wither. We grow and change our whole life – It’s not enough to just get to know yourself once – you need to keep doing it your whole life.
Tamara Wendtner
Hi, my name is Tamara Wendtner. Many of you know me as Pixie Baroque. Since 2019, this is the stage-name I use when sweep over the Viennese Burlesque-stages like a whirlwind of colours. This step onto the stage has changed my life forever and initiated a chain reaction within me, that finally led me to the following realization: I need to put myself out there.